Four hundred days without nicotine, day three without caffeine.
I ran out of money, so I picked up a permanent position as a cook at a college near my home. It’s a forty hour work week, with an hour and a half break in the midday, which makes the hours span from morning until evening. I gotta say, I’m struggling.
I am tired. And because the holidays were pretty much workless, and I haven’t gotten any full paychecks yet, I’m currently standing in line to sell my plasma. I have to go super early in the morning because, at this location, it takes a really long time and I work every weekday now.
My body is adjusting to constant movement and long hours. This is fine. I consider my Bride‘s work schedule right now, with a day job and an overnight job, plus 5 children.
Where my problem lies, is dropping all the potential that other plans had. I was trying to carve a few businesses out, set a good schedule with lots of income. I work in construction and had hopes to explore that avenue. Also, there is an online catering business I wanted to press into. Along with this ‘app-based’ job that staffs restaurants with needed fill-ins, I would have had a full schedule and plenty of time for Spanish, art, graphic design, writing and music.
But I cannot right now. I’ve signed onto a long hour gig.
There is something to be learned in this season. It’s not any harder than any other time this season, just, less fun. Less new. It’s getting old. God has become quieter. The Bible has been less attractive lately. I find myself asking “Where are You God?”
But I gotta be honest with myself, the blessings have not stopped coming, they are just different…and accompanied with trouble.
It says this in Mark;
“Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields — along with persecutions — and in the age to come eternal life. (verses 29 and 30)
He didn’t say it would be easy. He said it would be worth it. In the middle of it, it’s ridiculous.
I noticed that caffeine was affecting me negatively. I had already cut it back to basically nothing, but then, each tiny bit I drank got to me like it was three cups of coffee and it kept making me irritable and even more tired as it wore off. So, I’m seeing what it’s like without it. It’s not healthy anyway and I don’t need anything making all of this any harder.
Emotionally, I’m dry. Sadness tries, sometimes, to work its way out. I enjoy a cry when I can, but mostly, I’m too busy to feel.
I’m still living alone, but I see my daughters almost every weekend now. We have plans for the youngest of the five to come to my house next weekend, with her sister. Last weekend, she greeted me at her door with such excitement. She knows me again! This is massively uplifting to me.
Though I’m at work now almost all day everyday, I do have an hour and a half break and two different libraries within 5 minutes of my job. I go, almost everyday, to utilize their sound and graphics equipment and software. They have a piano and a sound recording studio, along with an extensive amount of software available for free use. It’s amazing. I currently have 2 songs in progress and I tend to spend a lot of time working on them, as well as some Valentine’s gifts for the girls.
I’m designing personalized posters for each of them. I have three of them printed and even one for my Bride. I feel super blessed in how they turned out.
I will deliver them the day after Valentine’s Day as I pick up my two year old.
The weekend after that, my Bride and I are looking forward to a day trip heading a hundred and fifty miles north of their hometown — I don’t know… I asked her, she said yes — the restraining order will end about 9 weeks afterward. I enjoy the absurdity of it and the hip-hop song I’m crafting mentions this in jest. This will be revealed to her at the start of this trip. I’m eager for this to happen.
So; as I said, the blessings are still rolling.
The difficult parts, are wondering if I turned to make my own monetary security happen by giving up the previously planned things — that weren’t yet making good money — to ‘waste away’ at a typical job, which is basically just dumping fries on college kid’s plates over and over again. A lot of people would call this ‘responsible’ but it could also have been a move of desperation and a faithless one at that. But there is a bigger part of me that understands that it is just a season and I cannot do everything I want all the time.
I’m thankful for the blessings God is providing.
I think I feel like I’m struggling getting into the Word. I read it. I worship. But I’m so exhausted that I wonder if it’s getting through.
This selling plasma will come to an end eventually, I will be able to sleep a bit later, my body will adapt to the movement of this job and I will return to being overly productive.
I just need God to speak. If I cannot hear Him, I’m lost.
Lord, please come louder. Please come soon. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
– God Exists –
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