“A man is never so proud as when he is striking an attitude of humility.”
– C. S. Lewis, ‘The Problem of Pain’
The intensity at which the situations burn in sweat and tears is equal to the height and breathlessness of each mountain top in this season. The bad times are so extremely unfun, but some days, some moments, are unbelievably rewarding. Life is a rollercoaster, and ups and downs do not stop, but if you’re doing it right, your highs get higher and your lows also, get higher.
It’s an upward climb. The victories that come end up bringing better rewards; more peace, more understanding, more benefits, because, the challenges are harder. And though, as time goes on, our falls don’t take us so far, at first and for a long time (it seems), our dark times have deep bottoms. So days look strange. There are huge valleys, long, slow climbs and giant, dramatic drops. There will be a series of just awful, miserably challenging hours or days, then a breakthrough, where a moment, when an absolutely breaking heart, confused, mad and lost, finds the answer it is yearning to see and the weight is lifted.
It feels wildly bipolar. But from the other side, the after-victory side, it’s hugely comical. I often look backward and laugh at the immature posture I displayed as a “mature” believer.
But then, I mean, if I make it through. Sometimes, I don’t burn in the flames of idiocy, fully, or taste its repercussions of final judgement, but I do come out smelling of smoke.
My Bride and I are currently butting heads. And, it is really, not fun, but it’s also, just bickering. It’s dumb stuff like me throwing my weight around and controlling the atmosphere in no matter the room I’m in. And me whining, more, that they don’t like me or that something didn’t get done.
Now, I don’t like to defend myself. I make mistakes. I don’t need a defense, I need to change. It does, though, help people trust a brother a little if they know you’re not going to murder them. Folks need to know they are safe. So I’m going to lay out a few things to ease a bit of tension. I have never hit my wife. Ever. I’m not really a fighter. I’m big and showy. I am confident and cunning. Loud, but I would back down from violence toward people immediately if they asked for a fight. All bark and very little bite.
Lots. And lots of bark…. A copious amount of barking.
I try to keep these posts shorter, but fifteen hundred words is becoming as short-winded as I can get. I try to be quiet and think inside my head.
I’m getting better!
I have sooo many more thoughts!
I have books and songs and journals and recordings and skits and ideas written everywhere. It is a river of wording. It’s so much. Ideas are just sitting, waiting to be fleshed out into words. Proverbial floodgates hold back rivers of audible brainstorming and playwriting.
I sometimes picture the rooms of our home with my words written all over everything, everywhere. Not much here belongs to me anymore, but often, my words cover everything. There are opinions about loading the dishwasher, and my views on how the baby watches TV, and my beliefs on global warming… the best way to get that stain out… the injustice of the grocery industry, where the coffee maker sits, the quality of the current food I’m eating, the possible plans I have for the future……
Oh, my, gosh.
Shut up! I say it to myself, even…
“Shut up, Cory!”
I’m confident. I’m often proud and boisterous. I’m not shy. And more often than not, I’m as ignorant as a pin cushion. Like, I’ve mentioned, a couple times, that tact is not always the first virtue I display, and knowledge comes easy to me but wisdom has to pry its way in against, my “best discretion,” so not exactly all of my words are correct. (As much as I want them to be.)
My wife, poor girl, is mainly the one there, sitting in front of the firehose of passion, information, and misguided angst of a wildly driven, energetic wannabe preacher, who sometimes doesn’t act anywhere near fit to be one.
It’s funny! It’s insane how she takes it! She listens, she tries to respond, she faces fears and really, really tries to make our relationship wonderful…for me! She loves me so much, but I, am a lot to take.
I was not going to divulge this, because, it’s embarrassing. But it’s also, hilarious and I hope you learn from it because I put her down too much, even with good intentions.
Two days ago, my wife told me to go.
Pause….yeesh, wait, what?!
Why do I not cry now? Why no despair?
Because the argument is over. She won. And next time, I hope she wins sooner. Maybe I’ll learn my stinking lesson!
She did change her mind. I begged her. She said she needed a break and I agreed, avidly, that I would make it happen, even if I stayed in her home.
The comedy in it, though, is that, we weren’t two children screaming about something we wanted. (I started it that way, like a child, of course, but) We were two adults, out on our own, confused as heck as to why, even though we are really in love with each other, it’s seemingly impossible to live, forever, together. It’s not impossible, though, cause, we are doing it. It is just really, really hard. And, I don’t think you do it without fighting sometimes.
There is a movie out there. It’s not a wholesome movie so I won’t tell you the title, but there is a scene where a guy drags a convenience store clerk out back with a friend and holds him at gun point. He steals his driver’s license and tells him that he is going to die. He doesn’t steal his money though and eventually, he does let the guy go. The aggressor inspires him, as he flails wildly away from the scene, to enjoy the rest of his life. It is quite intense, but nevertheless, the gentleman had been given new life, and it had the freshness of a brand new blessing.
This obviously is not the correct thing to do, but as I, myself, begged my bride of 17 years to not, once more, send me to the streets to shape up, I stood, face to face to the death of my marriage once more.
I cannot explain the depth of life in those moments. Time stops. ‘Feeling’ becomes abstract as everything practically goes numb. One could lose a finger with more acceptance than endure the moment his wife tells him he’s no longer welcome.
And, it really was just to get an emotional and mental break. If I am not careful, I can consume the atmosphere in a room. It’s positively dreadful. Like, even I want to leave the room, but can’t.
So I understood. I’ll shape up. Literally, “no offense, please, let me stay.”
Humility anyone?
“Um…I’ll, take, some…” *Lifts hand ashamedly but unashamed at the same time.
“Yes, Jesus.”
I’m not good at silence or even being cool headed, all the time, but I see the value in it. I want to harness its usefulness! I truly want to be silent at the correct times! Because it has so, much, value! Yes Lord! Give me this strength!
I also, had previously opted out of leading the community-group, cooking class. I don’t believe I am ready for that, yet. I hold my head high, and I use my best behavior, but even though I look like an adult, I’ve just begun “training this hair in a new direction.”
When I stand tall, I feel like I’m doing a good job. When I feel like I’m doing a good job, I begin to slouch.
Christ’s example must be our “second nature.” So much that it becomes our first. God’s Words must be our unbreakable, habitual, intrinsic response in everything.
I was listening to the Epistles the other evening. Those are the letters, written to the early churches, that God used as a good portion of the new testament. I got to first Timothy: 1 and had to stop in my tracks. It’s a lot of heavy information about being a leader and working in the church. I heard verse 7;
“They want to be teachers of the law, but they do not know what they are talking about or what they so confidently affirm.”
……
I want to be a teacher for Christ.
I’m quite confident in affirming all this “knowledge.”
I have a ton of information, but with this verse in the recipe, maybe what I’m seeing as confidence… is pride?
I think God just dropped the mic.
The passion, between my wife and I, that evening, later changed from fighting to… other things…
We’re still incredibly, married.
But, I’ve truly been given a new perspective.
And it, really is a blessing.
–Home–
From Death to Life 
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