1 Samuel 30:6- “…David strengthened himself in the LORD his God.”
I wrote this entry just days before Christmas, during the year away from my family. I had been away from my Bride for seven and a half months, at this point. We were texting more regularly. She was slowly falling back in love with me, but we were still living separately…
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“Lost.
Not in location, but existence.
Time, maybe.
What is Christmas anymore? It might as well be any other winter day.
I’m not sad. But… indescript.
Where am I? I have not seen another soul today. It’s just a day, in eternity.
Five thousand miles per hour in a void of nothingness feels the same as stillness. Everything on earth is relative, but, when there is nothing to relate it to, there is only…nothing.
Was today good? Was it bad?
What is good? Have I found contentment? There are things I desire, but to not have them does not hurt, and to have them would not lessen the desire for what I then would still not have. Contrary though, even to have them, the desire for more would only increase.
So, good? “Good” only leads to bad.
And bad, is only, less good.
In this, I enjoy the things I do not have, equally as much as those I do.
I’m thankful today. I played piano this morning and learned a couple chords. For this I am thankful. I made breakfast, in my own apartment. It was delicious. For this, I am thankful. I listened to a free Spanish podcast on the way here. For this I am thankful. I have the next week off and possibly the next week or two. For this, I am thankful.
I feel good, squashing away any foul thought. Any offense. Any obstacle between joy and contentment, and I. I’m happy with what I have and increasingly happy about what I do not. My mind is stuck on getting audio cables and program access from Ian, but this is excitement, not stress.
Breakfast next week. Excitement, not impatience.
LORD, I’m happy in You.
Here I am. Fields of green pasture. Middle of winter, not a soul at my side, but You, doing good, for me. All is well.
At times, I suffer. But right now, I rejoice. It’s Christmas for me, too, a different kind. No gifts or presents. No friend or family. No work, no money, but so much joy! I get to spend a week with You. Playing piano, growing, in every way, happy with who You made me be.
It’s been a year.
One week until the anniversary of the day I chose Jesus.
One week until receiving my third CR (Celebrate Recovery) coin, marking the day, one year ago I gave up cigarettes.
It’s big. It’s huge.
Finish strong and keep going.
God, don’t stop. I will not either. Thank You for getting me.“
(end post)
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Allow me to bounce around the timeline here;
Three weeks before I left for the ministry home, while climbing out of the muck I found us in, after months of searching, we visited a church near our home. It was Easter Sunday. We liked it, so we returned.
Mind you, I was a bit screwy in this stage and quite unpredictable, but we were finally making it to church weekly, and I was thankful. And we did, for the next two weeks as well.
On the third week, walking into church late, with only the baby (my family inside), I asked God if it was my church. I wanted Him to confirm that it was indeed the one for us.
“Well, Cory… Is it?” He returned.
And I decided, then, at His prompting, that it was. And I believe, He agreed.
Theeeeeeaaan shortly after that, I went in the front of the sanctuary during the service and loudly and quite awkwardly announced it to everyone…haha.
“This is my church now!” I belted out, claiming it as my home. Filled with fervor, but not really tact. (Proverbs 19:2 talks about that…)
Well, it stuck, though. My family kept going. The entire year later they went, almost every Sunday.
It was our church. And it still is.
Today, I don’t think I can tell you everything the Lord is doing, without seeming, I don’t know… lucky? Maybe braggadocios. But here’s the deal, I can’t say much at all anymore without sounding a bit boastful! Because God is ridiculously good!
He picked us up, straightened us out, and now we’re a church family. And so far, everyone is in on it. They enjoy it.
I’ve been invited to lead a monthly meal team to feed the homeless downtown. It’s an honor I’m super excited to take on.
My Bride heard talk of her leading the welcome desk volunteer team. I’m not sure what that’s about, but we all plan on being there, now, an hour before service, ready to serve.
Two of our girls are shepherds in the Christmas program. I’m doing stage crew.
This morning I was privileged to relieve two ladies, not wearing gloves, in twenty degree weather, from snow removal.
Just being there to serve is working.
Jesus said the first shall be last and the last shall be first. He led by example. By serving. He did it first.
In my youth, we were taught servant-leadership. This is it, coming to life. This is how you lead a family. This is how you lead a mission. This is how you lead a hurting world to Life. By serving them.
Earlier, I stood in the store staring at the boxes and bags of Christmas candy and gifts. It was beautiful. It was shiny. It was, a lot.
My mind also flashed with visions of the cardboard villages and skinny naked children begging for soggy, cinnamon donuts and beans in Mexico… One of those kids, here, in this aisle… It’s embarrassing. I want to apologize to them.
We have all we need here. And we’ll never be satisfied in what we want, so I’m choosing to give what I can and serve the Lord.
God is not stopping. He’s making a way.
I’m still not stopping.
Lord, keep bringing life to this town through me. If You have to wear my soles down doing it, I’ll trust You for new shoes. You have been kind to us. Thank You. I love You. And I lift my hands to You, as a leader, father and disciple. I praise You for the call and the equipping. Guide me in integrity, out of a motive of love, to spread the revelation of Your truth. Strengthen my Bride, Lord, and lift her up. Load the girls with knowledge of their value and of how much You enjoy them. Help me steer this family Lord, for I am a mess without You. Lift up the church, Father, and guide the leaders in wisdom.
In the name of Jesus, amen.
Beauty isn’t always perfection, and perfection isn’t always beautiful.
Go do good guys. Love ya.
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