Just when I thought I couldn’t get any more angry.
Just when I thought I couldn’t get any more angry…
Juuuuust when I thought I couldn’t………
Haha! Welp, you’ve pushed me as about as far as I’m willing to go. And, as my sister once said…”Satan overplayed his cards.”
You didn’t miss any, this is the first post in months. Don’t you worry your little heart out.
Can I lay the situation out smoothly for you?…No embarrassment, trust me.
At the end of today, I will have been eleven days THC free. Yea, that’s right… eleven days. But you may not have the tiniest bit of an idea of how much that means.
It meeeaaans that I fell pretty hard. Into addiction, into anger, into really dumb behavior, but killed it.
I picked up a vape about four months ago, with plans to temper the habit of smoking weed.
I did not. I spent the last four months high as a kite.
And if you think I’m shy about telling you… I’m not. I killed it. I saw the wounds festering, the growths of flesh forming to decay and usurp my spirit. I saw death wiggling its way back into my heart, and I killed it.
Eleven days sober. This is my biggest achievement yet. It was only four months. The time before, I smoked a bowl and skipped twenty years of my life.
Before I go any further, I have to express how extremely tired I am.
Remember my first post? I wanted to give up. And I still want to give up. Nothing about this is easy. I am not calmly typing a happy post. I’m am pounding the keys as if I must stamp these letters into leather. I’ve thrown things away out of anger. I’ve walked miles and miles to cool down, and I’ve deleted many, many accounts because I am not strong enough.
There are games I can’t play, stores I can’t visit, or situations I choose to avoid because I’m not strong enough. Headphones shut the world out sometimes just so I can focus on God.
The world is really, really good at helping someone build character… if that is something one is after. Otherwise, it will bury you.
The moment you choose to do better is the moment it gets harder. And then, when you’re good at that, it gets harder. It’s a layer cake of the worst possible stuff. Ninety seven layers thick…plus two, and counting.
Honestly, it’s great. Pull that anger out of me.
The hardest part is that I can’t let anyone know it’s happening. I know, I’ve tried and it only makes it worse. I’m super savvy when it comes to other’s faults. Super. So to just take it? Torture. Try telling someone they are doing it wrong, or telling your wife to stop a bad habit, or your kids to do something different because what they are doing is stopping your progress. Unless the person is wildly mature, it usually ends badly.
And weed withdrawals are also a beneficial part of this journey (sarcasm). The chemical imbalance sends my body reeling. But, ‘he who is carnal minded lives by the flesh, and he who is spiritual minded lives by the spirit.” (Romans 8) It’s not possible anymore, for my flesh to take me down.
So here’s what I believe I’m attempting; Humility.
Bombshell. It all comes together.
There is no happiness walking around fixing the world. It refuses to be fixed. It will be offended, and it will push back. Even if it pushes first, which it most definitely will, there is no good rebuttal, no good reasoning and it may not understand that it’s wisdom you are after. It will get mad.
But, I mean, I understand. I’m a hot head too. I understand trying to make space for yourself here. I get the frustration of working with people unlike ourselves. It can be infuriating.
But look, if you carry a mirror around showing everyone where they are wrong, you can be sure you will not have success in relationships, jobs, or even the church. And might I not forget, the family.
So, turn the mirror around.
Hahahaha! I laugh so stinkin hard when I think that. You don’t want to hear that!
Nor do I.
Another item that runs in tandem with this skill though, is assuming the position of a, sort of, punching bag.
I get the vision of a bow target. You know? The little hay filled bag with circles drawn on it? It takes arrows. Shoot it, it receives it. Again and again.
And people find this useful.
Satan commissions these “spiritual arrows” to be shot into us. A boss keeps correcting you, or your mother insults you on accident. Or the bank gives you an undeserved fine. These frustrate us. They offend us. They test us.
We pass the test when we only, take the arrow. But often, (very often), the moment we feel the arrow, we spit one back. And equally as often, we’ll even spit it at a different person. The arrows come through people, but they are from satan. (Ephesians 6:12)
Lately, I’ve been passing these tests. Little by little I get better at these. And I’m beginning to carry the mirror backwards.
Here is an example;
I really enjoy cooking. I really don’t like dishes. Around here, that’s the common consensus. So I’ve decided to not cook unless I’m willing to clean it up. So after some bouts in circle over the dishes, I went out and bought some microwave meals.
Tonight was actually a successful venture for the kids making dinner. I heard it was good, but with heartburn and an imperfect stomach, I chose to stay away from the red sauce and microwave a chicken pot pie. Which then got dropped on the floor by my 2 year old.
I was mad… I was downright enraged… on the inside. And I barely let it come out.
I grabbed the meal from the kitchen floor, all of the good guts spilled in disrepair, and I headed out the door (in steam, yea) but, I ate it as I walked the parking lot of the apartment. Then, I went back into the apartment, grabbed an ice pack and handed it to the pretty little girl who burnt her finger when she tried to help daddy. Then I ate some plain rice. Cause that’s all I could find.
This was at 10 PM.
I was eating late because I went for a walk due to tension build up from even earlier.
What a day!!
This was just one incident in a pile of possible offenses and injustices that were piled on me today. Let me tell you, it was a lot. A lot.
But I walk a lot now (again). And I spend time in prayer. God takes the arrows. He soothes the anger. He adds the joy. No one else has to.
I want to work in the church. For two years now, I’ve been attempting to get into a serving position. I’m talking security, door greeter…anything. No bites. Not one. Each time, I take the class, I attend Sundays (sometimes two or three other days, too). I express my earnestness and desire, then I wait.
Now, things are sort of beginning to pan out, but not quite yet.
Still.
Today God took me to our church on my walk. The sky was nice so I began taking pictures of the church in the nice light. I found myself dancing and worshiping as I strolled the church grounds picking up trash and taking pictures.
I couldn’t get in the church, cause it was closed, but… I was working for the church.
Check. Mate.
I used to say that, when I lived in the ministry home and they wouldn’t give me a glance toward leadership.
“They don’t know it, but I am leading.” I told some guys.
Now, let me list some of the blessings that are beginning to come:
When I wake up, there’s a new verse of the day on the white board I hung. My nine year old took the initiative to write it, and added a joke.
My Bride turns on preaching and watches with me often now. She is beginning to enjoy it. She is reading the “My Utmost For His Highest” daily devotional that I gave her. I’ve seen her do it lots this week.
I got a notification that my 12 year old installed the Bible app on her phone, without my prodding.
I’ve written, printed, and put into action a chore plan with very few loop holes, that these kids have embraced. There are big rewards and little rewards, and checks and balances, and lots of motivation to get involved. The house is clean on most nights now, with barely any fighting.
And I’m beginning to influence those around me.
Proverbs says; “When one is slow to anger, a ruler may be won over, a gentle tongue can break a bone.” (Proverbs 25:15)
I still think I’m onto something. Anyone coming?
Love ya guys.
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