Little did I know that victory in this season meant the beginning of a trial. The very thing I wanted so badly, the restoration of my family, is the very thing that the enemy is trying to use to destroy me.
Of course, I am well aware that my family is not the enemy, the cause, or the real struggle. It’s me. Because, what I see, is that nowhere is good for me. It’s comical, sort of. It’s also downright annoying. I just can’t be okay.
I didn’t realize I was late on this blog post until after I was late. And now it’s super, super late. I’ve been crunching the hours and working through the challenges, second by second… literally. Left and right, in front of me, when I turn around, if I look up or down, there is difficulty happening. And it’s keeping me busy. I am off at 2:30 PM these days, and it feels like I’m not off until 10 PM. Today I left at 11:30am, hoping for a few more hours of rest… nope, more work.
It’s not all miserable. Some of it is cooking, road trips, and fun stuff (I enjoy cooking), but even in those things, there are extremely difficult moments. Times I just want to run…but don’t want to.
While away, I was so lost at how I could have ended up behaving the ways that I did in the past. I couldn’t understand any reason, whatsoever, as to why I had such an anger problem, or how I was so often aggravated. Buuuut, (not to say I’ll regress any) I do, kinda understand now. What I truly understand, as my buddy Troy, who I met through the ministry last summer, told me, God gave me this last year alone, for me. God took me away for a year so I could breathe, see Him and recoup. Cause we all needed a break, and, I truly, needed a break.
As you can tell, I’m having a tough time.
This is not to say my family is SO awful. Cause I think, in general, we humans all might just be the same amount of awful. But truthfully, I may be a little more messed up than I thought I was. I mean, it’s either me, or them, and I can’t do much about them, so I must continue to turn and check myself.
So here’s the situation; I think I’m nothing like my wife and daughters. We have some things in common, but as far as “how to do life,” we’re not on the same page. Not even the same book.
They may not be wrong, per se, and I’m not necessarily wrong either. (Whether the toilet seat should be up or it should be down is 100% opinion, and neither are absolutely wrong. But they are opposites.) So, we’ve got six girls here who see things one way, and me, who sees quite the opposite. So when I chose to give up my opinion, my comfort, and die to self… death it is. 100% death. And I thought I was prepared to do it. I was pretty sure I could do it.
Haha, I was not ready.
It’s not just death, like, one big blow. It’s not that simple. It’s like someone killing you by slicing just an eighth of an inch off of your finger tips, one finger at a time, every hour, everyday. All day, a little at a time.
It sounds like I’m complaining. And I am. Because it’s “soooo hard!” But see, that’s where it shows that I am still a fool. Still in need of Jesus. And I am still very, very weak in my own strength. Aaaaand here is where Jesus steps in! He is the best where we absolutely suck.
Look;
2 Corinthians 12:9 – “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”
Soooo, more of Him than me… in fact, all of Him and none of me.
I’m just practicing how to love. I am not good at it.
It’s like the process of training a hair. If you, all of the sudden, want to style your hair differently, you gotta comb it, like a billion times, in the direction you want it to lay. Then, if you roll the window down on the highway, or sleep on it in a certain way, even after a month or two of combing it, it will suddenly be right back, where it was used to laying before. It’s a long, constant process.
Giving your life to Christ is so much like changing your hairstyle, in that our old fleshly self is apt to do what it’s used to doing. Being offended, thinking selfishly, getting unreasonably angry and the like.
Romans 12 talks about this; “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…”
The Word is the brush. Life is the highway. The insatiable need to sin is the wind. Just constantly blowing and swirling against us.
But I gotta keep brushing. God is the life force. Jesus is the only way, I made it this far, and I’m not giving up.
Today I will press into God and live in His love. And I will rejoice in the fact that I am counted worthy to suffer for His name’s sake.
Lord, keep destroying all in me that is not of You.
Amen.
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