Sure, I’d really like to be successful, wealthy and admired by many. But, I might never be. If that is God’s plan for my life, it’s starting a little like Daniel. You know, Daniel and the lion’s den? Or even Joseph, from Genesis. His brothers hated him so much that they sold him.
A little testing, a little suffrage, lots of hard work and the longest season of growth one could ever imagine.
Gotta go through the dirty work.
It’s for my own good, and the good of my family, and anyone else who ever comes along my path. God allows things in our life in order for us to gain the ability to handle more. No blessing is without its counterpart and no trial comes without a blessing in its victory. (Proverbs 14:23)
And honestly, it never really smooths out. It never stops being challenging. It grows. We handle something tough. And as we go through it, we build strength. Then we are given something harder. Something that would have ended us if we had not gone through the previous challenge. We just wouldn’t have the skills or experience needed to make it through.
But here’s the catch: we are also given more blessings. Each time.
Mark writes, in chapter 10, that, if we live and work for God, if we make sacrifices and give up some things we really wanted, in obedience to God, He will bless us. But it doesn’t ever come without its challenges.
I skipped last week’s entry. Yea, I’m sorry to all my loving ‘fan’, haha. I was spending one last weekend in the south city apartment before completely giving up everything of “mine” (again) to return to my family. You know, all the free stuff God provided to me for the season. I grew fond of it all. Probably too fond. Quite comfortable, actually.
Complacent.
Almost, what I would call, “happy.”
But happiness is not real. It’s extremely temporary and outrightly debilitating at times. It’s kind of a cancer when it comes to spiritual growth and maturity. Oftentimes, it is the tiniest bit of comfort we can get used to and then, “rely” on it being there on a regular basis. It’s actually a decent sized root of idolatry.
We find little nooks and blankies that make us comfortable. Normally it’s not something we would choose if we could have our perfect world, but it’s nice enough in times of duress, on to which we like to cling. We don’t want to lose it. It’s ours. And it makes us “happy”.
The pursuit of happiness is positively a driving force behind our selfishness.
Last summer, at some point after being removed from my family, I realized that in order to be comfortable and content, like, ever, I was going to have to give up the idea of comfort as I knew it. My world was no longer mine. I had given it to Jesus. And He was stripping me of all the things that I wanted more than Him. Which was pretty much everything. If I found a nice path to stroll in tough times, something would ruin it, I wouldn’t be allowed to walk it, or I left it, entirely, to move somewhere where there was no path like it.
I’d like to remind you, there is still a restraining order out against me, legally binding me to stay away from my Bride…that I’m not obeying.
I’m living with her.
I sleep in her bed now.
It’s a wonderful turn of events.
The restraining order expires tomorrow.
But, once again, I had to give “my” life away. There is no room for my things. There is no room for my opinions. There is no room, or time, for my own comfort. My apartment is gone. My city life is gone. My singleness is gone. I find myself in a season of absolute discomfort.
Don’t get me wrong! My wife is beautiful. Just wildly stunning. She is soft, she is warm and there is so much comfort in being with her. My children are really cool kids. It is an absolute joy to have a family!
But it’s also a huge, huge load of work.
Remember, I drank for 20 years. My kids were raised by an alcoholic. My 16 year old, has 16 years of my former habits learned. I taught them, unwittingly, lots of ways to do things that are not correct, or beneficial. Also, I’m working with emotionally and spiritually wounded people. They do not completely trust me. So far, in the last few months, yes, Dad has done a decent job being a better, calmer, more reliable person, but when things get tough, will it crack him?
My Bride gets PTSD moments, too. There are many things that cannot be accomplished right now due to the injured’s self-preservation tactics. They wince every time I approach an unresolved, difficult issue. Often, they avoid it entirely.
And they are still quite offended. And I am no one to be able to say they should not be. Maybe they don’t care what I think. Maybe they don’t respect my decisions or ideas because for so long, my decisions were not beneficial. Or they were flippant, or downright mean. Or there was some hidden, ulterior motive. Everything I did used to be selfish. If it seemed I was doing something loving, you could pretty much bet it was eventually meant to benefit me. If it didn’t, then you’d most definitely hear about it.
I was a fiend for comfort.
And that, was my number one issue. If it made me feel good, if it made me feel “happiness,” even if it was temporary… especially if it was temporary, I would tear everything and everyone apart to get to it. Even myself.
I honestly don’t know what this entry is supposed to portray.
I’m super tired. I’ve worked like a dog the last 3 weeks and I’m pressing this post out. I’ve been quite lax in most of my diligence lately as well. I’ve been drinking coffee, some soda at times. I have missed church for an entire month, now. Not out of laziness, but out of shear exhaustion. Closed doors and times of transition.
It’s a new level. There are lots of new challenges.
Can I encourage you a little, though? Just in case you are at the beginning of your own journey.
My 2 year old daughter, who didn’t know who I was when I first saw her after 6 months of being away, just called me daddy, for no reason, as she laid her head on my shoulder and fell asleep, without a pacifier that she was so dependent on when I returned. My 14 year old, who feels super awkward in her own skin, and is still very unsure about me, has agreed to go check out yard sales with me tomorrow morning in a town an hour from here. Just us two. My 9 year old just cleaned the living room and put dinner away by herself.
Last night I played a game with my family. A game I made, and we had a really good time.
And just before her shift this evening, I played keyboard on the bed for an hour as my Bride took a nap.
As I was leaving work today, there were some critical thoughts attempting to penetrate me. Complaining, judgmental, selfish thoughts. And there was pain attached to them. I had legitimate reason I could have been upset. I always have “legitimate” reasons. I could, literally, be justifiably upset 100% of the time. At anyone, or even everyone. But God gave me a memory with a much deeper pain attached.
In it, I was just told that my Bride did not want me to come home. I was on my knees in my sister’s backyard. I was crying gut-wrenchingly hard at the absence of my family…
My Bride can hurt me. My family can use me. Drivers can cut me off on the road and customer service can be awful. I could stub my toe while I’m completely famished and worn out. But oh, well.
I do like to be happy, but it’s not happiness I’m after. And in that moment, in those memories, I remember God being there. I remember Him getting me here. I remember never being alone. I remember the joy. His joy is everlasting and can never be taken from us without our consent.
And I do not consent.
So, as the blessings grow, and the challenges seem insurmountable, I latch on to the tale feathers of Christ and ignore myself. There’s pain, there’s injustice, and there’s stress in copious amounts. There always will be, here on earth, but we can remain joyful anyway.
The enemy has no leverage. He’s a chump. God is amazing. He’s all I need. He is my comfort. And to be truthful, outside of Him, there are only fleeting moments of shallow relief. And in keeping our eyes on Him, there is unending joy, no matter what happens in our world.
By the time you read this, I will have been completely restored to my Bride. The restraining order will be gone.
There is nowhere else to go. This is the life, and God has done an unimaginably wonderful job at designing it. Wealthy and admired, or not.
So keep your joy. Shut down anything that wants to ruin it.
Thanks for pressing on with me.
–Home–
From Death to Life 
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