Blip*
It’s like someone turned the TV to a different channel. And the movie on this channel has all the same cast as the one on the last channel. Different setting. Different scenes. Different lines.
This week was different, as the involvement and intensity of all things has skyrocketed. To the moon. The good, the “bad,” the joy and the sorrow. The fear and danger. The challenges, and the victories.
Obviously, the same director.
But it’s gotten goooood.
I am no longer in the amazing apartment in south city. The one God provided for me in a miracle like way, in the interim season of living alone. The apartment that I loved at first. Where I cried tears so hard they felt like they were being produced by some pit in the depths of my stomach, as if they were, even, parts of my stomach. The apartment where I overcame so many difficult nights and had so many victories that made me, literally, shout for joy. Where I hardly cooked or watched movies, but mostly, read the Bible while sitting in the bath tub longing to be restored.
And I am no longer at my sister’s apartment, walking to a pepper-spray factory to work 55 hours a week and waking up at 3 AM in similar tears from dreams of my Bride and our children.
Nor am I, any longer, in the middle of rolling hill country and cow pastures for miles, among a group of men with large opinions, pining for the Love of my life to speak to me, and wondering if she ever would.
I am, also, no longer sitting in a garage, drunk as a skunk, steaming in anger because of something no one can actually put their finger on, smoking cigarette after cigarette. Sad, bored, and lazy, and also, extremely unhappy.
I am here, on my Bride’s bed. In my Bride’s bedroom. With my Bride.
She has asked me to stay. I have secured the job at the hospital and upon returning from the physical and drug test to her apartment, she greeted me with a key to the door of our, now, home.
It’s something I cannot quite grasp yet. And when I get even a tiny bit close to understanding the gravity of it, I begin to weep. For it is too much to comprehend. It ‘feels’ more than I’ve ever felt before. It’s a tumultuous cocktail of memories of the ups and downs I’ve so far experienced in this life, with the lowest of lows and highest of highs all taking place within the last year, mixed with daily difficulties of teenagers and toddlers, the thrill of secret, passionate love making and the droll of endless dishes and laundry.
My life is not what it used to be. It is nothing even close to what I had it pegged to be for the past 39 years.
It’s new.
100% brand, spanking, new.
But with the best parts still involved. My wife, my daughters, and my Creator.
Look, it’s not easy around here. It’s difficult. It’s so, much, work. The communication battles, the internal fight to keep my mouth shut and force myself to see the good in my family. The battle to get up and to keep going, even when I don’t feel like going anymore. Every moment contains some kind of struggle, where overcoming isn’t cut and paste. The solutions are not multiple choice, and there is sometimes no real absolute correct answer. It’s often scary. It’s often stressful.
“What does she think of this?”
“What if I mess up.”
“What if they never accept me?”
“How will this appear?”
“What if we can’t ever…”
“Is this enough?”
Can I really hear God?
The discontentment does still come in huge, crashing, powerful, tsunami sized waves. The feeling of anger that comes from selfishness, pride, and unmet expectations. The flesh is awfully weak in resisting these unwanted and destructive emotions. It’s similar to trying to tell your skin to stop feeling the cold of an ice bath, or to resist pulling your hand away from a lit match.
My Bride is still unsure as to whether or not I’m going to crack. She has moments of great fear as I appear quite seemingly unrestful. I understand her fear to be as tempting as the anger that rises in myself.
But it will not win.
Not the fear. Not the anger.
“No weapon formed against us shall prosper.”
Sure, they’ll still “be formed.” We are not immune to attempts of utter destruction. Satan is quite unhappy with our marriage, with our restoration… with our salvation. But, “God works all things out for the good of those who love Him.” So these moments of panic and struggle build in us a strength that could not come without them. “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” (2 Corinthians 2:14)
And as I said in the past; she cannot please me. Nor can my children. They are incapable of it. Nothing on earth can please me. Or anyone for that matter. God is the only thing that can truly make us complete. So I do not expect her, or them, to make me happy.
The enemy is trying again. Really hard. Which is, honestly, not surprising in any way. We’ve come this far. We are conquering. And he knows that if we get together, if we get restored, it’s over for him.
But I know it’s already over for him. We stand on Jesus’ sacrifice. And we stand firm.
I encourage you to speak verses that support your righteous plight. Because, in the beginning was the Word. Jesus is the Word. The Word is the bread of Life. Speak the Word, speak Jesus.
“Renew your mind.”
See you next week.
–Home–
From Death to Life 
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