I have not been getting much sleep. Not this week anyway. Even just last week, in my desire for more time for creativity and projects outside of work, Proverbs 24 told me; “A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest and poverty will come upon you like a thief in the night.”
So I decided to just, get less sleep.
It took one day of discipline to realize how little I’ll be getting as time moves forward.
I’ve begun spring break. I am employed by a catering company that is responsible for the food in a college cafeteria and this week I have been off work. At first, I was not entirely happy about the week off as it put some strain on the bank account and stress on all the plans I had believed were to be followed through on. But as each day progresses, I’m incredibly thankful that God designed a week of this proportion.
Let me tell you what has been going through my head, starting with the words, I felt, that initiated this victorious past few days.
I had accepted that I were to just enjoy the days off and forget about the tightening budget for the time being. I did have plans to begin a rent-to-own option on the two family flat that I had been renting at half-off rent for the past six months. The rent is due to return to normal next month and with the rent-to-own kicking in, it would make the next rent due amount 50% more than I had been previously paying. And with an entire week off, I was really thinking about the money, even though the prospect of being a home owner was pretty exciting. And I am still employed as a temp for a restaurant staffing agency. The gig offers were coming in fast. And still are. But God kept asking me to turn down work. Shortly, though, I learned why.
I felt Him really pressing upon me, that this week was the end of something big, and the even bigger beginning of something else. He said, “the flood gates are going to be opened.” Specifically, with my Bride.
I believed Him.
Monday, after a wonderful weekend of time with God and meandering as I pleased, I reached a huge stall. I had done all I wanted to do on the weekend and all I wanted was my family. And not in a sad way. I was waiting, and happy things have begun to progress, no matter how long it was taking. But Monday was different.
I was at another park, sitting in my truck. I had driven around, played a lot, took pictures, worked out, worshipped and prayed, And this was a great park. And it was 70° out and sunny. Just a beautiful day! But I was getting discontent.
Then my Bride sent me a text, inticing a response I had been wanting to give for a very long time. God said, “do it,” and I responded with my desire to be with her.
Then, I felt the Holy Spirit instruct me to go further.
It wasn’t just a notion to communicate more. It was a sudden absolute need to see my family. It was divinely directed, but also, almost out of my control. Like a cramped leg that just needs to be stretched. I would almost agree that I begged my wife to ask me to come. The conversation led me to the suggestion and ended with me packing up a weeks worth of clothes and driving outta town.
It’s still there now. This feeling of extreme desire to be the father and husband in this family. It’s pulling at me. It’s holding me up by my collar, up to my tippy toes, and causing me to act.
Within the hour I was on my way to their hometown.
Every single day here, has been more work than what I do at my actual work, during a normal week, but it also has been exactly what I’ve been looking forward to during this entire journey. I was made for this.
The first two nights I slept in my truck, cause, remember now, I have, up to this point, only been allowed into her living room to pretty much remain stationary on her couch. And only a few times.
But this week, I have been my Bride’s ride to and from work. I’ve been driving the kids to school, shopping, laundry, cooking and cleaning.
I’ve been changing diapers and even picked a sick child up early when the school called. I have cherished every single second of it.
Last night, I slept in my family’s living room. Even Ella, our 13 year old with the biggest grudge of them all, agreed that I should sleep on their couch… the couch I purchased with my wife a couple years ago, after I had broken the last one in a fit of severe rage…
I will not list my woes. For I should, rightly, have many more. The long list of my offenses goes way past kicking the arm of the couch to pieces.
I also will not list my accomplishments of late, but just know, I have picked up the doggedness again. Here, now. My strategy is to not invade, change or affect too much here. But to observe, assist and feed. To give to the last drop of myself, and then, to bleed out what else I can muster to give. To get more from God, and then exhaust myself again. Over and over.
Being here has reminded me of a lot of the struggles we were all in for in the past. Five children is not easy. Heck, a 2 year old alone, is not easy. My wife is a truly amazing choice of a woman. She has driven hard for almost a full year. Without a vehicle. Without her own home for most of it. And without a husband to help in anyway.
She is my choice of woman. I’m so ridiculously proud of her. I’m so wildly thankful to my Father in Heaven for what He has provided for me in such a wonderful Bride.
And my children are the most amazing kids. I love them in every way. Constantly.
At one point, God said to me…”It will get old.”
I like that He makes me aware. Because it is exciting right now. It is wonderful to gain mercies and enjoy blessings I do not deserve and did not expect. But in six months, where will my humility be? How many times can they expect me to mop the floor?
7 billion.
I will dig a dime out of a pile of manure bare handed if it’ll show someone true love. “I am a worm and not a man.” God’s reminder has me ready. Satan will tempt… Arrogance, pride, entitlement, I see it coming.
Psalm 131:1: “My heart is not proud, my eyes are not haughty.”
Galatians 5:13:”For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.”
Philippians 2:3-4: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Do not look to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of the others.”
I’m here for Jesus.
I’m here for my children.
I’m here for my Bride, who will not find another with the love that I have in my heart for her and her family.
I believe the rest of this week will be equally exhausting. And maybe not fully refreshing or satisfying.
But 8 months ago, I was showering in a bathroom more than 200 miles from my family. My Love was not speaking to me and the only evidence I had that I would even see her again, was faith in God’s word to me.
Now, I’m showered and clean, with her water, chilling on her couch, typing and worshipping to the same song I was crying to, back then. My youngest daughter, asleep next to me. Brittany, my amazing, hard-working, loving, gentle Bride, being restored back to me, sleeping off the night shift, in her bed, just in the other room.
The other day I asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes.
I am now dating the Love of my life, and the restraining order does not expire for almost another two months.
Jesus.
He is my response. He is the only way.
Oh my God, how great are Your mercies.
–Home–
From Death to Life 
Leave a comment