I shouldn’t have. It did come back to bite me, but only a small lesson.
But then again, it was always inevitable. God wants me for Himself. This I’ve known since the beginning of this journey and I’m aware He’ll allow me no good thing I set in the hole in my heart until He is the one to fill it. The God spot. The spot only He can fill.
He knows if I do try to fill it with something, or some ‘one’, I’ll eventually tear it apart because it wouldn’t be good enough.
He’s right… And I did tear her apart.
She wrecked me. She did every tiny thing she knew how, to please me, and wrecked me in the process.
This isn’t a blame throwing post. I’m not here to shame my Bride. I’m here to say that she wasn’t good enough for me. No matter how much anyone tries, they’ll never be good enough. Not a person. Not a thing. Nothing in this world could satisfy me. So I’m just done trying to “make it work.” If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work.
I’m floating in space. I’ve been trying to hang on to every piece of scrap or shrapnel that floats by. Call it good. Make it my thing. My home. My friend.
I suppose I haven’t been very discriminate. I’ve latched on to anything, as long as I’m not just floating, alone, with nothing to grasp on to… Booze. Drugs. Hobbies. Girls. Anything to keep me from having to focus on the fact that I am alone and out of control. No one is coming for me, and if they do, they will not find me happy they are here, for they will eventually become a let down. Not because they are not good enough, but because they are not good enough for me.
Maybe we all feel this way. Maybe my Bride finally realized it. And, she too, is un-pleasable. I cannot fill her heart, no matter my efforts. There is nothing I can do to be good enough. Like me, I believe she’ll always want more.
I may sound despondent. Like I’ve given up hope, sulking because I’ve lost my wife and I’m doomed as a man… This is not true. In fact, this is part of the journey, maybe the hardest part. Letting go. And trusting God to fulfill His word. It’s a crucial step in this life and my wife may have gotten there, just in time to let me know I should be there too. In this, I believe we have finally gotten on the same page. We don’t need each other anymore.
My flesh-man is not happy with this decision. My spirit-man is beginning to realize the freedom in it. So, I’m torn into shreds right now. I’m walking through life, steadfast, confident…loved… dragging an apparition of failure, sadness and despair around like it’s me, but it’s not. I have books to write. I have things to learn and business to do… and I get to do it in the full confidence that my heart is filled with the never ending love and glory of the everlasting Creator.
I have not thrown in the towel though. Not in my marriage, and not in the slightest. I honestly believe she will come back to me. But I just don’t care right now. It hurts so much but she was like a drug to me, and I’m kicking it. It wasn’t her fault, God did a really good job designing her. And I am horribly sinful and needy. My addiction now, will forever be the Lord, cause I really can’t put that pressure on any soul but Him.
The Word says “though sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning.” And this is true. If you’re the slightest bit experienced, you have known times of great sorrow and pain, and it passes. Wounds heal and we move on to the next thing. My next thing will be monumental. Not because I can do it. For I cannot. I’m going to be successful because I know I cannot be, on my own. I will not try, anymore, to make it happen. Only He can. I’m just gonna enjoy what He allows me to see.
I’ve also learned that what we see is only temporary. It’s always only temporary. Our eyes love what we see, and then we lose it… because we loved it, or because it just happens. It’s constant. We enjoy it, and we want to keep it. The enemy brought death into this world, and death is going to take this world down. All we see is extremely temporary, because nothing we can see can survive this death. And if we desire to hang on to these dying things, we will die with them. So God constantly yanks them away from us, hoping we turn to the only thing that will keep us alive, Himself.
Today marks the beginning of my life as a single dad, married without kids, (mostly) in a way. But, they’re out there. They’ll figure things out. God is with them, no less than He’s with me.
And truthfully, I still think it’ll happen before I know it. The hours drip by ever so slowly, but the years are but a thought before they disappear forever.
Still pressing on.
Until next time…
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From Death to Life 
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