Every minute that goes by is a victory. I’m not texting. I’m not texting. In fact, until the moment the Lord opens the door, I understand a text to be detrimental and I am not going to take a chance.
I remember starting this blog 2 months ago. It’s wild how much has happened since then. In a way, externally, very little. Internally though, the me that was, was so much bigger than the me now. I’m trying to take up less space. It’s not about me anymore. It’s not about my doggedness. It’s not about my determination.
It’s only God.
Though determination and doggedness is a great quality, I’m choosing to use the drive to seek humility. This is an odd subject to talk about, in that talking about your own humility negates that it is actually humility. But I really want to stress the importance of this virtue.
I started with fervor. I began as a determined soldier, not willing to let anything stop me. “I will become my Bride’s best husband.” But after recent interactions, events in life, quiet times…I’ve learned it’s not up to me. There comes a point in redemption where you must realize that you cannot be the redeemed and the redeemer. Where you must choke down the effects of who you were and let God do the restoring. And to realize this too late will ruin the process and bring it back to a point where the Lord will attempt again to show you the truth, quite possibly by another complete annihilation of your efforts.
One must not miss this point. It is us being god that brought the trouble into our lives in the first place. We cannot fix it. We can only stop wiggling, stop resisting, stop grabbing what we think the solution to be and jamming it into the slot we think it goes, like a child who doesn’t yet know its shapes. God is the surgeon, and for the patient to attempt to assist in the surgery is ludicrous.
So, I’m just laying here. Physically, I’m at work, I’m washing dishes, I’m reading the Word, but mentally, spiritually, I’m letting the Lord do what only He can, without getting in His way.
I’m pretty much done for the moment.
I met with my Bride for the first time in 7 months last Friday. It was pleasant. She is dreamy gorgeous. But she is hurt. And she is separated from me, unsure if she even should run or wait, but there is not yet a “reunite” option. I was only slightly caught off guard by this but it is, in hindsight, no surprise at all.
She is gaining wisdom, insight, and she is assessing the situation carefully. This is great news! For I do not want a scared, cowering, needy woman to be my partner. I’m proud of her.
But I must back down. Not even just from trying to coax my wife into love, but from standing like I’m the one who will slay the giants for her. Or for me! I am a pipsqueak! Without the arms of God Himself, in the sacrificial blood of Jesus Christ His Son, I am doomed to fail, no matter my earnestness.
With this in mind, I lift my arms. I ease my desire to grasp onto any potential solution or draw, that I perceive to be good for her to see, that I think may work, and just seek the Lord in His goodness. I make requests and believe that the outcome is in His hands.
I will not send a text today.
The Lord is my Shepherd and I look to Him. I get all I need from Him. Validation, worth, hope, desire, skill, knowledge, wisdom and love.
Peace.
Patience.
Long-suffering.
So I will wait. And joyfully! For the outcome is in God’s hands! I cannot contain the excitement!
My daughter did, on the other hand, send me a loving text. She literally typed “I love you too”. I believe my kids will see the Lord in me, even though they may not know it is Him, yet. And in time, my Bride will see too. I do not need to do anything more than continue to abide in Him.
“Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all this will be added to you.”
Thanks for reading.
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