Let me back up a bit…
I think I left the sequential story at “The restraining order went in to effect May 3rd…”
I’ve mentioned “The Ministry” a few times here and I’d like to lay out the order of things a little.
April 16th was the last day I used any type of THC product. It was also 3 days before my Bride told me not to return home.
As I grew further and further from the affects of alcohol and nicotine dependency, I became increasingly aware of the onset of “fits of rage” as the Bible labels them, and began to leave the house for long walks through the town. At the time, I had given up smoking cigarettes a few months before and gained a lot of my cardio health and had a huge increase in energy. I would feel these, what I call, “anger bombs” coming and would flee, almost immediately out to blow them up somewhere in the streets.
I did not want anymore, to take anything out on my family, but I did not yet know how to stop the explosions.
I remember one day out walking. I walked four or five hours that day and the entirety of the walk I wished so badly to be at home with my wife. She had a day off and I was mad. I was so angry at nothing and everything all at once. But I wanted to be next to her. I missed her so much that day, but I just kept walking.
Then, the final walk in that town started at 7 am.
I left that day with only a pair of shorts on and walked in the woods nearby for 6 hours. Before attempting to return home, I had someone call the police for me. I had been believing I was losing my mind, and looking back, I truly was, in a way.
The police officer called my Bride who had decided that enough was enough, and that I could not return until further notice. He also asked if I needed to go to the hospital and I said “yes,” but for reasons I do not understand, I was not taken to the hospital.
I continued to walk that day, being turned down by every place I went seeking help, eventually ending up in my own backyard, as per my wife’s permission.
They had left, to stay elsewhere, out of safety concerns. They were unsure of my stability and did not take any chances, but as kind as my Bride is, she gave me some of my things by leaving them in the backyard for me, in my backpack.
Unbeknownst to her, the garage door opener was in the backpack that she gave me, and really, I have no idea why it would have been there. I imagined it the first blessing in a long line of blessings that God has bestowed upon me in this long journey.
I slept the next two nights in my own bed and cleaned and packed during the days, to begin what I thought would be a short time away.
My sister picked me up just after the police officer handed over the papers. I had no plans, but knew I could not stay in such small town with a protection order against me. I went back to my home city.
In those 2 days at my sister’s, I made arrangements to go south into a Men’s Ministry and spend some time being restored to a better mental and spiritual state. Little did I know what I was in for.
The ‘month’ away that I prepared for soon turned to three months, then to six months, then nine. Every time I hit a milestone, I learned it was not even close to being over.
In the ministry, we went to church everyday but Saturday. Saturday we did volunteer work. At first, the times before I was employed during the week, I delved into the Word with a fervor. I read, I studied, and I wrote… constantly. I learned so much the first six weeks being there as I battled addiction, codependency, selfishness and anger, in a house of 18-22 other guys doing the same.
It was so. Difficult.
Wow, what an experience, though! The men there, they could handle it, cause they just ignored me, yelled sometimes, but mostly just left me to grow in solitude. God spoke so much to me in those days.
I liked the church services. Most of them. It was a different church on each day of the week and even the weekly schedule would change, so by the end of my time there, everything throughout the week was different.
We did financial classes, Bible studies, concerts and even a few mission trips. In between the really, incredibly awful struggles, it was a lot of fun.
One event, we helped put on a concert for a radio musician, Ben Fuller. I enjoyed this event immensely. Before the concert started, I asked if I could lay hands on him and pray for his evening. He said yes, and before I knew it, I was praying with a circle of roadies and sound guys laying their hands on me!
Ben’s response as I finished is something I’ll never forget;
“Thank you man,” he looked at me surprised, “that was really cool.”
I received a Bible from his team at that concert and it has become the main book I’ve read ever since.
I left the ministry after 4 months. Here is the journal entry I wrote the day I left:
“Um…God has begun His wild and very divine steps for me today, for I find myself locked in the laundromat for the next hour!
Burbey and Dave talked me into staying in Dave’s car last night. I’m glad I did, because it got nice and chilly. Men’s Encounter weekend got weird. The taunting and bullying by ministry leaders continued as best it could while there, and upon returning ‘home’ the ‘leaders’ of [the ministry] were at the ready for another big scolding. An intimidation meeting, if you will. They lead with ‘fear.’ One guy was immediately removed from the ministry. Another guy, Kristian, chose to leave as he already had plans to.
Willie, the “house dad” at the other house slammed the proverbial gavel against all he believed to be wrong.
We all sat quietly, in good spirits, but dreading the hypocrisy and hatred we were experiencing.
Mike set out the happenings of the evening, as was asked, and immediately was given scripture to write, for his foul language, though he actually hadn’t used any foul language. And this is when Mike had had enough.
He breaks down in tears and shouts, “I’m done!” As he explains adamantly how unfair and ‘religious’ these men who claim Christ have been.
Then I joined him.
Mike (though pretty selfish most of the time) is a respectful, diligent guy. Five months into the program, and court ordered, leaving was not an option. Mike did not try to be a rule breaker. Mike was determined to improve himself and make it through.
When Mike stood up, I knew he couldn’t be alone in it.
You see, Burbey was also belittled and ridiculed all weekend (and all the time involved in the ministry, as well). I had told him, after a small snap in retort to Josh (the oldest, meanest, “non-official” leader), that if he was to be removed, I, too, would leave. We, in fact, were all sure of his impending punishment and believed the threatening meeting was to be for him. When they turned to Mike, it was just as undeserved. And though I like Burbey much more than Mike (as good friends), I love them both. To see Mike take it, I did not resist.
“I’m out too.” I spoke as I stood.
“Then pack your bags,” Willie responded, heartlessly. I told him he could keep most of it.
As he tried to spout more demeaning, unloving things, I began quoting verses on love.
Over the last four months, these men, though they did not do it themselves, vehemently scolded us to get in “our Word.” They attempted to express how important it was, mainly by repeating the word ‘important” over and over. I, on the other hand, knew It’s importance. I did read daily, and a lot! I need the Word, and I know it.
I did not want to hurt the guys hurting us, I just wanted it to stop.
Galations 6:1 says that if a brother falls into sin, we should restore him gently, and in love. I spoke of the fruits of the Spirit and that “the only thing that counts was faith expressing itself through love.”
I hugged Mike, and gathered some essential items.
Oddly enough, the ‘goons’ left before I knew it. My brothers were begging me to stay, just one more night.
I set pride down and agreed, but knew John, the house “lead” would remain obstinate. Then we figured out the sleeping in Dave’s car arrangement. Upon hearing all the vehicles picking guys up for work in the morning, I headed, (when the coast was clear), to the gas station to use the restroom.
I checked the laundromat as I passed, though it did not open until 7, the door opened when I pulled. I stepped in and gladly used the facilities. They automatically locked behind me, so when attempting to leave, I realized I was trapped.
This is the time I used to write this entry. The door is now unlocked.
“Man plans his way in his heart, but the Lord determines his steps.””
The story continues next time…
Thanks for your time folks.
–Home–
From Death to Life 
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