My daughters are on their way here.
I showered, shaved, and put on cologne. I’m wearing my favorite necklace and a v-neck shirt that I’m not quite yet comfortable in.
I’m almost in tears of excitement and fear. I have not seen them in three weeks and only once in the last 5 months.
I have 5 beautiful young daughters and though only 2 of them (the 8 year old and the 11 year old) are coming, I’m overwhelmed by God’s generosity. For I deserve no daughters. Or, at the very least, none of them should like me. I was pretty much ‘on the line of physically abusive and most definitely a mental case for their entire lives. Remember, I drank for twenty years, so an 11 year old (who I treated especially rudely, for some reason) went through a lot of the worst of it.
The rooms were dirty, all the time, and instead of helping and teaching, in a loving gentle way, I often yelled and scolded and punished. Then when that didn’t work, I threw things away. Though I did not beat the children, I tore them down with every word and action. And not just about the rooms… about everything.
There is no reason they should love me any.
But they do. And these two… they have never given up on me. This is a blessing of mercy and grace from God my Father.
I stopped by the dollar store and got some nail polish and cotton balls. I will no longer waste these opportunities. I’m committed to running, doggedly, the rest of my life towards God, in Jesus name, to be the father they need and desire. John 7:47 talks about how one who has been forgiven for a lot, knows how to forgive and love much more than someone who has not ‘sinned as much’ in order to receive that kind of forgiveness.
These girls have loved me through allllll that stupid, mean stuff, and now that I am alive much more than I have been, I super-appreciate, on a very intense level, that they have. If I didn’t owe Jesus my actions because of His for me, then I would still owe them.
I see Christ in this. And a blessing of grace that I do not deserve.
I used the word ‘doggedly’. This word I learned this summer and absolutely fell in love with it. It’s how I will describe my plight of the last few months and it’s how I will remain towards the Kingdom of Heaven for the rest of my life.
I am not after success, or comfort. I am not going to get to a point of restoration and call it good. My girls are not going to look at their father and say only “yea, I know he loves me,” but also “My dad has become my greatest support and friend.”
“I trust my Dad.”
“I should ask Dad.”
“oh no… I should tell Dad, he’ll know what to do.”
I’m not going to get to ‘okay’ and stop, I’m pushing passed easy, as far as I can go. When I get a house and couch and nice car and TV and job and comfort and family, I’m going to go for even better.
It’s taking the ‘make lemonade” idea to an extreme. What if Life gives you more than just lemons? Do you settle with it? Do you look up and say, “now this is better”? Or do you do the same and make it even more valuable than the original?
Just a thought.
God continues His love.
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From Death to Life 
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